“competence is undesirable, but not unwanted. he likes you, he just doesn’t like that he likes you. in your divine creation, you are a constant reminder that he isn’t God. men prefer to live in flat worlds of their own design, where typographically complex women are treated as footnotes.” This has to be the most poetic way I’ve ever seen “myself” be described in. Exquisite. Sad. And so very true.
I see you, Asa. And I thank you for your words. This piece holds healing powers.
this piece made me think about how many intelligent interesting women i know make themselves smaller to make men like them, it is so sad but im glad women are waking up and we are finally questioning our past behavior.
I spent several years dating in a big city, tying myself in knots trying to Figure. It. Out. Buying into bullshit like neverending “wellness” practices and “polarity” and “divine feminine” and whatever TF.
Then I moved to the country and Good Lord did I need every shred of competence I had to look after aging parents and manage livestock and gardens and entertain young children and contribute to my community and still hang onto my livelihood. The notion that competence is “masculine” is poison, expressly designed to keep women from assuming their full humanity, and to keep them in fear of challenging men.
If you *ever ever ever* feel like you have to choose between being loved and being competent, know that the choice is a bullshit illusion because no-one who really loves you would ever ask you to minimise your ability to *survive and flourish in this world*.
One may be perceived as flat, or contort themselves into flatness as a means of survival - but is anyone truly flat? Are these people lacking in self-actuality, like children? Is that flatness true ineptitude of some sort or a coping mechanism?
i think there’s an inherent flatness to youth so i think we all start out flat. and as we get older, we get more complex, and depending on our lives, some of us are more complex than others. but i think one of the reasons many of us see men marrying much younger women is because compared to him, she is flat. and i think once we experience that complexity is undesirable, many of us will try to flatten ourselves for survival, as you said.
I am not flat, but I have felt myself shrink into flatness in a relationship (with a man... I shudder thinking of how I did this to myself).
I think it might be environmental, and what you acknowledge about yourself, your thoughts and your emotions. If you're taught that only your looks matter then perhaps you develop that part of you more than you put effort into academics or developing your mind. It's a way of keeping yourself small - you have non-flat qualities but you ignore them in order to seem "cool" or "fun" or "flirtatious" and not too much for someone else.
I’ve been thinking more about this, and it seems like being non-flat can be equated to “baggage” as well. As in the experiences and events that have shaped us and give us complexity, but also detract from our “worth” (read: desireability to men)
Uh, what a beautiful way to say that men prefer women they can control. Truly amazing and captivating read. Carrie, bless her, she too was toxic in many ways, unfortunately. I could never find myself to sympathise with her as she went returning to him. I have had many friends like carrie and as someone who spent most of my life blissfully single, I could never understand why anyone would waste time on men like that. But today I know better. I know that my own distrust towards my father never allowed me to be vulnerable towards men and thus ironically becoming more attractive to them at the same time as they feared me. I think men are scared of confident and mature women. Thanks for this beautiful piece.
Found mine over four years ago and I have tried to sabotage it, but he is still here 😂 - strange how if you’ve never known peace in your life, you fear it. I hope you find your Aiden too. It is so beautiful 🥹❤️
"we’re often not used to a decisive man. a man who chooses us from the beginning. no tricks, no emotional unavailability, no puzzles, no waiting." THIS hit so close to home. When I met my husband I was so put off that there was no games, no back and forth, just deciseveness.
I truly appreciated this piece, although I have yet to meet a woman who is genuinely flat. Even when they attempt to shed much of themselves, becoming shadows of who they truly are to fit the nonexistent mould of men's desires, women remain complex, layered, and full of colour. Even in film and media—where we are often reduced to nothing—I have never looked at those seemingly flat characters without imagining the intricate worlds they embody. Because no woman is flat. To assume men choose flat women is to fall prey to the very fallacy we are fighting.
this breaks my heart because I feel I have been trying forever to flatten myself and be flat. And now I want to be full and whole and struggle to know where to even start, how to be comfortable alone or validate myself or even just to know how to do things for myself without centering a man or multiple men. I feel bad for Natasha as she did everything “right” and still wasn’t enough, it’s like rejection is inevitable no matter what.
i definitely feel bad for natasha, she was exploited for her youth and appearance by an old, dumb man. its difficult to undo a lifetime and generations of propaganda targeted towards women to center men. so the fact that you’re even acknowledging that you don’t want to do that anymore is a big step.
Wow, I just broke down in tears over this. At knowing this so deeply. The amount of times that I have been told in so many words that I’m too much…too difficult…too passionate…too too too…un-flat. The times I have flattened myself, for survival, has only led to my own self-destruction. I think beyond the dynamics of men and women, this piece also speaks to the experiences of those of us who have never and will never fit in - those of us outside the box of societal, corporate and familial norms. Our complexity threatens the perceived safety of the norm, creating a cognitive dissonance that the “flats” cannot reconcile. Thank you for writing these poetic depths of the human experience Asa.
I want to add that the lessons in STC became clearer after I rewatched it in my 30s. I always knew Aidan was the better man than Big. Now I'm holding on to my values and refuse to settle. 🙏🏾
“competence is undesirable, but not unwanted. he likes you, he just doesn’t like that he likes you. in your divine creation, you are a constant reminder that he isn’t God. men prefer to live in flat worlds of their own design, where typographically complex women are treated as footnotes.” This has to be the most poetic way I’ve ever seen “myself” be described in. Exquisite. Sad. And so very true.
I see you, Asa. And I thank you for your words. This piece holds healing powers.
wow wow thank you so much, its an honor to write something others find themselves in <33
She has a gift with words, Savannah.
That part.
your writing is so beautiful wow.
this piece made me think about how many intelligent interesting women i know make themselves smaller to make men like them, it is so sad but im glad women are waking up and we are finally questioning our past behavior.
I spent several years dating in a big city, tying myself in knots trying to Figure. It. Out. Buying into bullshit like neverending “wellness” practices and “polarity” and “divine feminine” and whatever TF.
Then I moved to the country and Good Lord did I need every shred of competence I had to look after aging parents and manage livestock and gardens and entertain young children and contribute to my community and still hang onto my livelihood. The notion that competence is “masculine” is poison, expressly designed to keep women from assuming their full humanity, and to keep them in fear of challenging men.
If you *ever ever ever* feel like you have to choose between being loved and being competent, know that the choice is a bullshit illusion because no-one who really loves you would ever ask you to minimise your ability to *survive and flourish in this world*.
yes that is a perfect observation: competence is assumed to be masculine.
It's interesting to hear varying perspectives from women. I'm sorry that certain man have treated you that way, Luisa.
tysm ❤️🔥
yes! so many of us flatten ourselves to be desired and its a losing game
One may be perceived as flat, or contort themselves into flatness as a means of survival - but is anyone truly flat? Are these people lacking in self-actuality, like children? Is that flatness true ineptitude of some sort or a coping mechanism?
i think there’s an inherent flatness to youth so i think we all start out flat. and as we get older, we get more complex, and depending on our lives, some of us are more complex than others. but i think one of the reasons many of us see men marrying much younger women is because compared to him, she is flat. and i think once we experience that complexity is undesirable, many of us will try to flatten ourselves for survival, as you said.
Maybe the prototypical flat woman is so busy making herself a mirror for the man and the world at large she never has a chance to self-reflect?
I am not flat, but I have felt myself shrink into flatness in a relationship (with a man... I shudder thinking of how I did this to myself).
I think it might be environmental, and what you acknowledge about yourself, your thoughts and your emotions. If you're taught that only your looks matter then perhaps you develop that part of you more than you put effort into academics or developing your mind. It's a way of keeping yourself small - you have non-flat qualities but you ignore them in order to seem "cool" or "fun" or "flirtatious" and not too much for someone else.
That resonates with me so much! I had a similar experience, I’m so happy to be free from that sort of relationship.
I’m glad to hear you’re free from it too!
this is so good i read it with my breath held
wow! thank you so much <3!
I’ve been thinking more about this, and it seems like being non-flat can be equated to “baggage” as well. As in the experiences and events that have shaped us and give us complexity, but also detract from our “worth” (read: desireability to men)
I agree with this too!
i like this thought and i agree!
Oh my god… the power pouring out of this piece! You’ve put words to something I’d never even managed to clarify in my mind. Thank you ♥️
thank you so much <3!
Uh, what a beautiful way to say that men prefer women they can control. Truly amazing and captivating read. Carrie, bless her, she too was toxic in many ways, unfortunately. I could never find myself to sympathise with her as she went returning to him. I have had many friends like carrie and as someone who spent most of my life blissfully single, I could never understand why anyone would waste time on men like that. But today I know better. I know that my own distrust towards my father never allowed me to be vulnerable towards men and thus ironically becoming more attractive to them at the same time as they feared me. I think men are scared of confident and mature women. Thanks for this beautiful piece.
thank you so much <3
and i hope we all find our aidans and don’t mess it up lol
Found mine over four years ago and I have tried to sabotage it, but he is still here 😂 - strange how if you’ve never known peace in your life, you fear it. I hope you find your Aiden too. It is so beautiful 🥹❤️
Fuck.me. wow. Ripped out of so many women's hearts, put on paper. I've seen this happening many times. Thank you for this masterpiece.
thank you so much for your kind words <333
"we’re often not used to a decisive man. a man who chooses us from the beginning. no tricks, no emotional unavailability, no puzzles, no waiting." THIS hit so close to home. When I met my husband I was so put off that there was no games, no back and forth, just deciseveness.
This is an incredible piece! Thank you.
thank you so much <3!
I truly appreciated this piece, although I have yet to meet a woman who is genuinely flat. Even when they attempt to shed much of themselves, becoming shadows of who they truly are to fit the nonexistent mould of men's desires, women remain complex, layered, and full of colour. Even in film and media—where we are often reduced to nothing—I have never looked at those seemingly flat characters without imagining the intricate worlds they embody. Because no woman is flat. To assume men choose flat women is to fall prey to the very fallacy we are fighting.
this breaks my heart because I feel I have been trying forever to flatten myself and be flat. And now I want to be full and whole and struggle to know where to even start, how to be comfortable alone or validate myself or even just to know how to do things for myself without centering a man or multiple men. I feel bad for Natasha as she did everything “right” and still wasn’t enough, it’s like rejection is inevitable no matter what.
i definitely feel bad for natasha, she was exploited for her youth and appearance by an old, dumb man. its difficult to undo a lifetime and generations of propaganda targeted towards women to center men. so the fact that you’re even acknowledging that you don’t want to do that anymore is a big step.
Wow, I just broke down in tears over this. At knowing this so deeply. The amount of times that I have been told in so many words that I’m too much…too difficult…too passionate…too too too…un-flat. The times I have flattened myself, for survival, has only led to my own self-destruction. I think beyond the dynamics of men and women, this piece also speaks to the experiences of those of us who have never and will never fit in - those of us outside the box of societal, corporate and familial norms. Our complexity threatens the perceived safety of the norm, creating a cognitive dissonance that the “flats” cannot reconcile. Thank you for writing these poetic depths of the human experience Asa.
thank you so much for your kind words ❤️🔥❤️🔥. im grateful to have written something that resonates with you so deeply.
Hi Asa riah, thank you for expressing what many of us non flat women feel. Thank you so much ❤️
I want to add that the lessons in STC became clearer after I rewatched it in my 30s. I always knew Aidan was the better man than Big. Now I'm holding on to my values and refuse to settle. 🙏🏾
tysm and im wishing Aidans for us all ❤️🔥🙏
i read and reread and will read again.
this gave me all the feels. i live the way you make us (who can identify) feel seen. a really beautiful piece. 🤎
thank you so much <333!
Good ever loving God I have never felt more seek in my entire life. They don't like that they like you. God damn.
<3
Thank you. Your writing is empowering.
thank you so much <33