This piece has spoken volumes to me as I got back in touch with someone from my past only to be sexualised yet again :’) we can never win, can we? I hate being seen as just a pretty face and body sometimes bc I’m so much more than that. I’m my weird, little self with my crazy, beautiful brain and that’s my true power.
I feel this in my bones and sinews. We feel it in parking lots, almost empty streets, high-school hallways, workplaces, and, oh yes, the internet. And I thought the other day I hadn’t posted photos of myself in some time; maybe it’s time… maybe it’s not.
The connection between objectification and instrumentality is the place where all of it gets especially nasty. When objectification turns to action, those people on a Dick First mission… have already decided they want to use you; they just get to explore how much ’they can get away with/you’ll put out."
I wonder if I shared this with my brother, who said something last year like: "I don't really think misogyny is real," (!!!) and it's been echoing around my heart since then. Suppose it would give him a window to this feeling and shed some light on the other side.
exactly that! they have already decided what a woman is to them— and i think if men were being approached by a whole bunch of dudes, dick first, they might start to understand the issue
Aside from 'plain homophobia,' I think that's why the patriarchal masculine reaction to things that are gay or transgender are so threatening. They probably feel their own objectification/loss of control/shifting of paradigms and guess what, it's fucking SCARY!
This is such a powerful post. While avoiding the generalization of all men behaving this way, it still proves over and over again that women cannot be safe in the presence of any man so long as men such as this one continues to exist. The amount of times I have been "dressed appropriately" or have been aggressively the opposite in dressing to the "male gaze" I have still gotten 'body looks' and comments made. Despite how we look - the encouraging "leave something to the imagination" has deeply pervaded much of the male population for objectifying to continue regardless of how we look . I have never and will never care for the validation and compliments coming from men, for the exact reason that my mind is far more stunning than any way my body or outfit may look.
thank you so much <3 and i’ve received many of those same “cover up” style comments, but the reality is it never mattered what were wearing. too many men dont know how to handle sexual attraction and have decided to make it everyone elses problem
I also used to question what I was doing to attract so much unwanted dick-first attention. I only recently realized that it wasn't anything I in particular was doing, it was that certain men just cast a wide net and hit on as many women as they can. It wasn't personal to me.
I have stopped looking men in the eyes because too often when I make eye contact and or, god forbid, SMILE, I get unwanted sexual responses. This means I don't have as many human interactions as I would like, but I'm also not being made uncomfortable several times a day by leering men.
I also only recently realized that most men are not like this, most men are respectful of women. The problem is that these same respectful men are not PROTECTIVE of women. They may not be actively leering or outwardly sexual, but they are also not standing up for us and speaking up for us. It's become too exhausting to explain to "good" men the things we all go through, so I've just stopped trying.
yes, i have stopped looking in men’s directions because im scared to. and i totally agree that this isnt most men or at least most of the men that i know, but like frequency is outweighing quantity. like it happens so often to all of us that even though its not most men, it happens every day and has a negative impact on how we interact with men as a whole. so i think it would benefit the decent men to start addressing this with us
100%. We have a fault in the discourse over masculinity because certain elements of the conversation saying “We need men to be men!” caters to toxic male traits, like aggressiveness and male chauvinism, and so I think the “good” guys step back out of fear of being seen as toxic. But what we really need for them is to step up their PROTECTIVE nature and stand up to those toxic male traits.
If you aren’t the wife/girlfriend/relative of any of those Men, why should they protect you? Serious question here, not trying to troll you, just being rational.
well as long as you would feel good about yourself as a man sitting back and watching another man attack another woman or child i guess that’s just the kind of man you are, sorry not sorry
Thank you for writing this Asa. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s deplorable. I got stared down by an ex today. Every now and again he sends me threatening emails . He questioned whether I had blocked him in the last message because I haven’t responded to him in over 2 years. He was the first man I dated after getting out of a coercive controlling marriage. And unfortunately this guy was coercive controlling too. Nearly every interaction I have with a man incites fear in me. Will I be assaulted, harassed threatened or worse?
im sorry youve had to deal with those men and thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. i really believe that women talking to each other is the most dangerous thing for men like that.
Asa, I'm so glad you're speaking to this. So sorry that your mere existence attracted this type of unwelcome advance from the random creep on Insta. No wonder women don't feel safe to engage with men.
As a teenager it really astounds me the intensity at which this prevails , at first as a child I liked the attention , who wouldn’t , but now , sometimes I wonder what caused all this , the first person to send the first picture and gave all other men such blatant audacity, teenage boys do not yearn like I thought (based on what I’ve seen in my strictly sheltered life and watching movies and reading fantasy novels) men do not yearn, they do not love , they do not crave , they only desire and want and use , the sending of dick pics are actually like a virus , I remember being 13 and finally having Snapchat and being g sent pics of genitalia from people I’ve never met , but it also made me realise , the problem is not with women but rather men , they fail to see themselves as people , they only see themselves as as their dick , craving ejaculation , they do not humanise themselves sigh sorry for my rant
for a while i wondered if i was on the spectrum because i hardly ever look people in the eye when i'm out and about. i later realized it was just another way to avoid holding the male gaze. another is always wearing headphones. it makes me look and feel antisocial. no wonder i feel like the world is closed off, it's just me attempting to dodge men
yes! im called antisocial a lot, but i dont think people realize how exhausting it is to be sexualized constantly. id rather just not post pictures and be at home with my books
Can’t win, either of us. Fallen devils we all are, scrambling for crumbs. Hollywood and advertising fuel the fire that chars us all. Treasure what good you find and don’t throw “the baby out with the bath water.” Who said it would be easy?
This piece has spoken volumes to me as I got back in touch with someone from my past only to be sexualised yet again :’) we can never win, can we? I hate being seen as just a pretty face and body sometimes bc I’m so much more than that. I’m my weird, little self with my crazy, beautiful brain and that’s my true power.
something like that happened to me earlier this year, so i know how you feel and im honored that this resonates with you <3
It never, ever fails. General, delightful conversation and then boom. Dick.
I had a guy I went out on maybe two dates with send me a snap at 8:27 AM. I get to work and open my phone like what the fuck?
it’s absolute insanity atp
I feel this in my bones and sinews. We feel it in parking lots, almost empty streets, high-school hallways, workplaces, and, oh yes, the internet. And I thought the other day I hadn’t posted photos of myself in some time; maybe it’s time… maybe it’s not.
The connection between objectification and instrumentality is the place where all of it gets especially nasty. When objectification turns to action, those people on a Dick First mission… have already decided they want to use you; they just get to explore how much ’they can get away with/you’ll put out."
I wonder if I shared this with my brother, who said something last year like: "I don't really think misogyny is real," (!!!) and it's been echoing around my heart since then. Suppose it would give him a window to this feeling and shed some light on the other side.
exactly that! they have already decided what a woman is to them— and i think if men were being approached by a whole bunch of dudes, dick first, they might start to understand the issue
Aside from 'plain homophobia,' I think that's why the patriarchal masculine reaction to things that are gay or transgender are so threatening. They probably feel their own objectification/loss of control/shifting of paradigms and guess what, it's fucking SCARY!
this is so tea, louder for those in the back!
This is such a powerful post. While avoiding the generalization of all men behaving this way, it still proves over and over again that women cannot be safe in the presence of any man so long as men such as this one continues to exist. The amount of times I have been "dressed appropriately" or have been aggressively the opposite in dressing to the "male gaze" I have still gotten 'body looks' and comments made. Despite how we look - the encouraging "leave something to the imagination" has deeply pervaded much of the male population for objectifying to continue regardless of how we look . I have never and will never care for the validation and compliments coming from men, for the exact reason that my mind is far more stunning than any way my body or outfit may look.
thank you so much <3 and i’ve received many of those same “cover up” style comments, but the reality is it never mattered what were wearing. too many men dont know how to handle sexual attraction and have decided to make it everyone elses problem
I also used to question what I was doing to attract so much unwanted dick-first attention. I only recently realized that it wasn't anything I in particular was doing, it was that certain men just cast a wide net and hit on as many women as they can. It wasn't personal to me.
I have stopped looking men in the eyes because too often when I make eye contact and or, god forbid, SMILE, I get unwanted sexual responses. This means I don't have as many human interactions as I would like, but I'm also not being made uncomfortable several times a day by leering men.
I also only recently realized that most men are not like this, most men are respectful of women. The problem is that these same respectful men are not PROTECTIVE of women. They may not be actively leering or outwardly sexual, but they are also not standing up for us and speaking up for us. It's become too exhausting to explain to "good" men the things we all go through, so I've just stopped trying.
yes, i have stopped looking in men’s directions because im scared to. and i totally agree that this isnt most men or at least most of the men that i know, but like frequency is outweighing quantity. like it happens so often to all of us that even though its not most men, it happens every day and has a negative impact on how we interact with men as a whole. so i think it would benefit the decent men to start addressing this with us
100%. We have a fault in the discourse over masculinity because certain elements of the conversation saying “We need men to be men!” caters to toxic male traits, like aggressiveness and male chauvinism, and so I think the “good” guys step back out of fear of being seen as toxic. But what we really need for them is to step up their PROTECTIVE nature and stand up to those toxic male traits.
yes definitely! we need more men willing to protect women and ultimately themselves from these harmful narratives
i just posted an essay about the culpability of men in the music industry as well https://elizabethgracemartinez.substack.com/p/can-there-ever-be-me-too-reckoning
If you aren’t the wife/girlfriend/relative of any of those Men, why should they protect you? Serious question here, not trying to troll you, just being rational.
someone should not have to be like you or related to you for you to insist on their safety
You are not entitled to Men’s protection with Men you’re not closely associated to in any way. Sorry, but not sorry.
well as long as you would feel good about yourself as a man sitting back and watching another man attack another woman or child i guess that’s just the kind of man you are, sorry not sorry
Thank you for writing this Asa. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s deplorable. I got stared down by an ex today. Every now and again he sends me threatening emails . He questioned whether I had blocked him in the last message because I haven’t responded to him in over 2 years. He was the first man I dated after getting out of a coercive controlling marriage. And unfortunately this guy was coercive controlling too. Nearly every interaction I have with a man incites fear in me. Will I be assaulted, harassed threatened or worse?
im sorry youve had to deal with those men and thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. i really believe that women talking to each other is the most dangerous thing for men like that.
Asa, I'm so glad you're speaking to this. So sorry that your mere existence attracted this type of unwelcome advance from the random creep on Insta. No wonder women don't feel safe to engage with men.
thank you so much for reading <3 and yeah im sad to say engaging with men is often not worth the risk these days :(
☠️ expertly cathartic & killer title 🖤
thank you sm <333
that screenshot makes me soooo mad 😡😡😡😡
it was some random dude who was posting wholesome pictures with his kids too, like why did you think this was acceptable at all
nooOOOOO 🤢🤢🤢🤢 and also???? out of all the cans, celsius are the skinty diet sleek, what a weird finesse. ugh i hate all of it
wait not its skinny, ive legit never held a celsius so im screaming lol
it's like a red bull can 😭😭 skinty
As a teenager it really astounds me the intensity at which this prevails , at first as a child I liked the attention , who wouldn’t , but now , sometimes I wonder what caused all this , the first person to send the first picture and gave all other men such blatant audacity, teenage boys do not yearn like I thought (based on what I’ve seen in my strictly sheltered life and watching movies and reading fantasy novels) men do not yearn, they do not love , they do not crave , they only desire and want and use , the sending of dick pics are actually like a virus , I remember being 13 and finally having Snapchat and being g sent pics of genitalia from people I’ve never met , but it also made me realise , the problem is not with women but rather men , they fail to see themselves as people , they only see themselves as as their dick , craving ejaculation , they do not humanise themselves sigh sorry for my rant
i love rants <33
A well written insight.. 🙏 thank you
tysm <33
Approaching “dick first”. Absolutely. I keep wondering when it’s going to stop - I’m 46 for chrissakes. And it never. Fucking. Stops.
for a while i wondered if i was on the spectrum because i hardly ever look people in the eye when i'm out and about. i later realized it was just another way to avoid holding the male gaze. another is always wearing headphones. it makes me look and feel antisocial. no wonder i feel like the world is closed off, it's just me attempting to dodge men
yes! im called antisocial a lot, but i dont think people realize how exhausting it is to be sexualized constantly. id rather just not post pictures and be at home with my books
What are these morons afraid of? I feel antisocial behavior stems from fear. But I'm not an analyst.
Then there's my dad's dictum: "Never discount stupidity as a reason."
adore you.
i love you
Can’t win, either of us. Fallen devils we all are, scrambling for crumbs. Hollywood and advertising fuel the fire that chars us all. Treasure what good you find and don’t throw “the baby out with the bath water.” Who said it would be easy?