This piece has spoken volumes to me as I got back in touch with someone from my past only to be sexualised yet again :’) we can never win, can we? I hate being seen as just a pretty face and body sometimes bc I’m so much more than that. I’m my weird, little self with my crazy, beautiful brain and that’s my true power.
This is such a powerful post. While avoiding the generalization of all men behaving this way, it still proves over and over again that women cannot be safe in the presence of any man so long as men such as this one continues to exist. The amount of times I have been "dressed appropriately" or have been aggressively the opposite in dressing to the "male gaze" I have still gotten 'body looks' and comments made. Despite how we look - the encouraging "leave something to the imagination" has deeply pervaded much of the male population for objectifying to continue regardless of how we look . I have never and will never care for the validation and compliments coming from men, for the exact reason that my mind is far more stunning than any way my body or outfit may look.
thank you so much <3 and i’ve received many of those same “cover up” style comments, but the reality is it never mattered what were wearing. too many men dont know how to handle sexual attraction and have decided to make it everyone elses problem
I feel this in my bones and sinews. We feel it in parking lots, almost empty streets, high-school hallways, workplaces, and, oh yes, the internet. And I thought the other day I hadn’t posted photos of myself in some time; maybe it’s time… maybe it’s not.
The connection between objectification and instrumentality is the place where all of it gets especially nasty. When objectification turns to action, those people on a Dick First mission… have already decided they want to use you; they just get to explore how much ’they can get away with/you’ll put out."
I wonder if I shared this with my brother, who said something last year like: "I don't really think misogyny is real," (!!!) and it's been echoing around my heart since then. Suppose it would give him a window to this feeling and shed some light on the other side.
exactly that! they have already decided what a woman is to them— and i think if men were being approached by a whole bunch of dudes, dick first, they might start to understand the issue
Aside from 'plain homophobia,' I think that's why the patriarchal masculine reaction to things that are gay or transgender are so threatening. They probably feel their own objectification/loss of control/shifting of paradigms and guess what, it's fucking SCARY!
Thank you for writing this Asa. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s deplorable. I got stared down by an ex today. Every now and again he sends me threatening emails . He questioned whether I had blocked him in the last message because I haven’t responded to him in over 2 years. He was the first man I dated after getting out of a coercive controlling marriage. And unfortunately this guy was coercive controlling too. Nearly every interaction I have with a man incites fear in me. Will I be assaulted, harassed threatened or worse?
im sorry youve had to deal with those men and thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. i really believe that women talking to each other is the most dangerous thing for men like that.
Asa, I'm so glad you're speaking to this. So sorry that your mere existence attracted this type of unwelcome advance from the random creep on Insta. No wonder women don't feel safe to engage with men.
I always have to think about the way I feel like dressing on a regular basis, as I'm sure do other women. If I take public transportation, I have to ensure my midriff is covered and my clothes are not too "skimpy". But if I'm driving myself to a gentrified area, I have more freedom about what I can wear. I'm proud of my body as an aesthetic but still have do wear unsuspecting, baggier clothing to avoid being objectified. It's ridiculous.
literally was telling my bf this the other day. when i go visit my parents in dc, i dress completely different—wearing xl sweatsuits on my small frame—just in the hope that ill go unnoticed walking down the street
for a while i wondered if i was on the spectrum because i hardly ever look people in the eye when i'm out and about. i later realized it was just another way to avoid holding the male gaze. another is always wearing headphones. it makes me look and feel antisocial. no wonder i feel like the world is closed off, it's just me attempting to dodge men
yes! im called antisocial a lot, but i dont think people realize how exhausting it is to be sexualized constantly. id rather just not post pictures and be at home with my books
I also used to question what I was doing to attract so much unwanted dick-first attention. I only recently realized that it wasn't anything I in particular was doing, it was that certain men just cast a wide net and hit on as many women as they can. It wasn't personal to me.
I have stopped looking men in the eyes because too often when I make eye contact and or, god forbid, SMILE, I get unwanted sexual responses. This means I don't have as many human interactions as I would like, but I'm also not being made uncomfortable several times a day by leering men.
I also only recently realized that most men are not like this, most men are respectful of women. The problem is that these same respectful men are not PROTECTIVE of women. They may not be actively leering or outwardly sexual, but they are also not standing up for us and speaking up for us. It's become too exhausting to explain to "good" men the things we all go through, so I've just stopped trying.
yes, i have stopped looking in men’s directions because im scared to. and i totally agree that this isnt most men or at least most of the men that i know, but like frequency is outweighing quantity. like it happens so often to all of us that even though its not most men, it happens every day and has a negative impact on how we interact with men as a whole. so i think it would benefit the decent men to start addressing this with us
100%. We have a fault in the discourse over masculinity because certain elements of the conversation saying “We need men to be men!” caters to toxic male traits, like aggressiveness and male chauvinism, and so I think the “good” guys step back out of fear of being seen as toxic. But what we really need for them is to step up their PROTECTIVE nature and stand up to those toxic male traits.
This piece has spoken volumes to me as I got back in touch with someone from my past only to be sexualised yet again :’) we can never win, can we? I hate being seen as just a pretty face and body sometimes bc I’m so much more than that. I’m my weird, little self with my crazy, beautiful brain and that’s my true power.
something like that happened to me earlier this year, so i know how you feel and im honored that this resonates with you <3
This is such a powerful post. While avoiding the generalization of all men behaving this way, it still proves over and over again that women cannot be safe in the presence of any man so long as men such as this one continues to exist. The amount of times I have been "dressed appropriately" or have been aggressively the opposite in dressing to the "male gaze" I have still gotten 'body looks' and comments made. Despite how we look - the encouraging "leave something to the imagination" has deeply pervaded much of the male population for objectifying to continue regardless of how we look . I have never and will never care for the validation and compliments coming from men, for the exact reason that my mind is far more stunning than any way my body or outfit may look.
thank you so much <3 and i’ve received many of those same “cover up” style comments, but the reality is it never mattered what were wearing. too many men dont know how to handle sexual attraction and have decided to make it everyone elses problem
I feel this in my bones and sinews. We feel it in parking lots, almost empty streets, high-school hallways, workplaces, and, oh yes, the internet. And I thought the other day I hadn’t posted photos of myself in some time; maybe it’s time… maybe it’s not.
The connection between objectification and instrumentality is the place where all of it gets especially nasty. When objectification turns to action, those people on a Dick First mission… have already decided they want to use you; they just get to explore how much ’they can get away with/you’ll put out."
I wonder if I shared this with my brother, who said something last year like: "I don't really think misogyny is real," (!!!) and it's been echoing around my heart since then. Suppose it would give him a window to this feeling and shed some light on the other side.
exactly that! they have already decided what a woman is to them— and i think if men were being approached by a whole bunch of dudes, dick first, they might start to understand the issue
Aside from 'plain homophobia,' I think that's why the patriarchal masculine reaction to things that are gay or transgender are so threatening. They probably feel their own objectification/loss of control/shifting of paradigms and guess what, it's fucking SCARY!
this is so tea, louder for those in the back!
It never, ever fails. General, delightful conversation and then boom. Dick.
I had a guy I went out on maybe two dates with send me a snap at 8:27 AM. I get to work and open my phone like what the fuck?
it’s absolute insanity atp
Thank you for writing this Asa. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s deplorable. I got stared down by an ex today. Every now and again he sends me threatening emails . He questioned whether I had blocked him in the last message because I haven’t responded to him in over 2 years. He was the first man I dated after getting out of a coercive controlling marriage. And unfortunately this guy was coercive controlling too. Nearly every interaction I have with a man incites fear in me. Will I be assaulted, harassed threatened or worse?
im sorry youve had to deal with those men and thank you so much for sharing a little of your story. i really believe that women talking to each other is the most dangerous thing for men like that.
Asa, I'm so glad you're speaking to this. So sorry that your mere existence attracted this type of unwelcome advance from the random creep on Insta. No wonder women don't feel safe to engage with men.
thank you so much for reading <3 and yeah im sad to say engaging with men is often not worth the risk these days :(
☠️ expertly cathartic & killer title 🖤
thank you sm <333
What are these morons afraid of? I feel antisocial behavior stems from fear. But I'm not an analyst.
Then there's my dad's dictum: "Never discount stupidity as a reason."
adore you.
i love you
Approaching “dick first”. Absolutely. I keep wondering when it’s going to stop - I’m 46 for chrissakes. And it never. Fucking. Stops.
YOU CLEARED IDK WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!!
haha thank you <333
i’m so happy you’re back 🤍🤍🤍 love you & love this
i love you <3333
I always have to think about the way I feel like dressing on a regular basis, as I'm sure do other women. If I take public transportation, I have to ensure my midriff is covered and my clothes are not too "skimpy". But if I'm driving myself to a gentrified area, I have more freedom about what I can wear. I'm proud of my body as an aesthetic but still have do wear unsuspecting, baggier clothing to avoid being objectified. It's ridiculous.
literally was telling my bf this the other day. when i go visit my parents in dc, i dress completely different—wearing xl sweatsuits on my small frame—just in the hope that ill go unnoticed walking down the street
for a while i wondered if i was on the spectrum because i hardly ever look people in the eye when i'm out and about. i later realized it was just another way to avoid holding the male gaze. another is always wearing headphones. it makes me look and feel antisocial. no wonder i feel like the world is closed off, it's just me attempting to dodge men
yes! im called antisocial a lot, but i dont think people realize how exhausting it is to be sexualized constantly. id rather just not post pictures and be at home with my books
I also used to question what I was doing to attract so much unwanted dick-first attention. I only recently realized that it wasn't anything I in particular was doing, it was that certain men just cast a wide net and hit on as many women as they can. It wasn't personal to me.
I have stopped looking men in the eyes because too often when I make eye contact and or, god forbid, SMILE, I get unwanted sexual responses. This means I don't have as many human interactions as I would like, but I'm also not being made uncomfortable several times a day by leering men.
I also only recently realized that most men are not like this, most men are respectful of women. The problem is that these same respectful men are not PROTECTIVE of women. They may not be actively leering or outwardly sexual, but they are also not standing up for us and speaking up for us. It's become too exhausting to explain to "good" men the things we all go through, so I've just stopped trying.
yes, i have stopped looking in men’s directions because im scared to. and i totally agree that this isnt most men or at least most of the men that i know, but like frequency is outweighing quantity. like it happens so often to all of us that even though its not most men, it happens every day and has a negative impact on how we interact with men as a whole. so i think it would benefit the decent men to start addressing this with us
100%. We have a fault in the discourse over masculinity because certain elements of the conversation saying “We need men to be men!” caters to toxic male traits, like aggressiveness and male chauvinism, and so I think the “good” guys step back out of fear of being seen as toxic. But what we really need for them is to step up their PROTECTIVE nature and stand up to those toxic male traits.
yes definitely! we need more men willing to protect women and ultimately themselves from these harmful narratives
This 😭😭😭😭💜💜💜
<333